Monday, February 24, 2014

My Cell Phone is Satan

I hate my cell phone. I have had quite a few over the last 17 years and this one is the worst. By far. It’s also a little bit too big and doesn’t quite fit in the hand easily. I am pretty good with technological things as I work with them every day. But unless I spend 20 hours a day on it like most millenials, it is destined to piss me off forever.

And it does the most clever things of any other I have owned: Blackberry, iPhone (just an old-fashioned 3), various Samsungs and flip phones. It is a Sony Xperia android. Oh yes, it’s sexy. It has all sorts of cool apps. Hearing tests (not something I enjoy when the news ain’t good), tempo tap (very useful in my line of work), Shazam (a great way to play “name that tune”), online banking (about as much fun as the hearing test), various viewers and things that go “boing”. It is a smart phone. I preferred my stupid phones.

It has so many applications, I can’t keep track of them all. I also cannot stop it from randomly opening Skype, iTunes, Tetris, Face Time…usually all at once while it spontaneously phones New Zealand. It does this whether I am there or not- sometimes while in my pocket. The New Zealand girls really like me and their accents are cute. But even if I think I closed everything, the next time I look at it, there are 15 apps open and it’s sending course-correction signals to Voyageur 2.

Then there is texting. I know I have a preference for words like “fuck”, “douchebag” and “smegma”, but my phone knows what’s better for me. Yes, Nanny. I tried to text “SOCAN” (something with which I have a recurring relationship) today and it took me about 8 tries. By the time it would do it, it was the day after tomorrow. And though it’s very creative making up words and putting them in a sentence, the humor is lost on me when I need to send a quick message to my wife.

For example: In place of “Do you want me to pick up some wine?” (another recurring relationship…) it will send “Dwight packs wieners”. With all due respect to Dwight, I could stop the grapes and ferment them faster than sending a message. It’s a good thing Janine is smarter than the phone. She knows enough to tell Dwight to “pick up 2 bottles…” Maybe it has something to do with his wieners.

And then there is the phone part. Try calling someone who has just texted you. It offers you a browser.

No thanks, just dial that number.


No….just call THIS number (thumping on glass)

Open address book (wait 7 minutes for that to open)

Noooo! Just call the number you stupid bastard. (back to square one….pressing on number of text…)

You mean you want to call this number?

Yes, fuckface. Now do it!

Using phone or text?


Once, or always?

Always!! You cretin. (this will be an issue next time you want to text)

Phone finally rings…call proceeds.

Of course, the light goes off after 5 seconds. If you press the wrong button- not the one on the side- you will disconnect yourself. You can change the setting…but if you keep it on too long will stay on so long your full charge will last about 45 minutes. After an over night sitting (untouched except by the ghosts of the house) I will check the phone and see 12 new icons open at the top. As if magic fingers turned everything on. Maybe it gets lonely and wants to entertain itself.

Oh, and it randomly turns the ringer completely off. Especially after I have charged it. Nice feature.

Yes kids: 2 more years on the contract….

Other than that, it’s great. I Love it.


  1. I pay $40-something a month for a smart phone for which I cannot get service, most places, most of the time. Who's smart now?

  2. Androids are great! Once you get past the personal optimization. Once you've hit that "Always or Once" button often enough and have fiddled with the settings youll never have a smoother phone. But yes, the first bit of an android SUCKS