My Cell Phone is Satan

I hate my cell phone. I have had quite a few over the last 17 years and this one is the worst. By far. It’s also a little bit too big and doesn’t quite fit in the hand easily. I am pretty good with technological things as I work with them every day. But unless I spend 20 hours a day on it like most millenials, it is destined to piss me off forever.

And it does the most clever things of any other I have owned: Blackberry, iPhone (just an old-fashioned 3), various Samsungs and flip phones. It is a Sony Xperia android. Oh yes, it’s sexy. It has all sorts of cool apps. Hearing tests (not something I enjoy when the news ain’t good), tempo tap (very useful in my line of work), Shazam (a great way to play “name that tune”), online banking (about as much fun as the hearing test), various viewers and things that go “boing”. It is a smart phone. I preferred my stupid phones.

It has so many applications, I can’t keep track of them all. I also cannot stop it from randomly opening Skype, iTunes, Tetris, Face Time…usually all at once while it spontaneously phones New Zealand. It does this whether I am there or not- sometimes while in my pocket. The New Zealand girls really like me and their accents are cute. But even if I think I closed everything, the next time I look at it, there are 15 apps open and it’s sending course-correction signals to Voyageur 2.

Then there is texting. I know I have a preference for words like “fuck”, “douchebag” and “smegma”, but my phone knows what’s better for me. Yes, Nanny. I tried to text “SOCAN” (something with which I have a recurring relationship) today and it took me about 8 tries. By the time it would do it, it was the day after tomorrow. And though it’s very creative making up words and putting them in a sentence, the humor is lost on me when I need to send a quick message to my wife.

For example: In place of “Do you want me to pick up some wine?” (another recurring relationship…) it will send “Dwight packs wieners”. With all due respect to Dwight, I could stop the grapes and ferment them faster than sending a message. It’s a good thing Janine is smarter than the phone. She knows enough to tell Dwight to “pick up 2 bottles…” Maybe it has something to do with his wieners.

And then there is the phone part. Try calling someone who has just texted you. It offers you a browser.

No thanks, just dial that number.

iTunes?

No….just call THIS number (thumping on glass)

Open address book (wait 7 minutes for that to open)

Noooo! Just call the number you stupid bastard. (back to square one….pressing on number of text…)

You mean you want to call this number?

Yes, fuckface. Now do it!

Using phone or text?

PHONE!

Once, or always?

Always!! You cretin. (this will be an issue next time you want to text)

Phone finally rings…call proceeds.

Of course, the light goes off after 5 seconds. If you press the wrong button- not the one on the side- you will disconnect yourself. You can change the setting…but if you keep it on too long will stay on so long your full charge will last about 45 minutes. After an over night sitting (untouched except by the ghosts of the house) I will check the phone and see 12 new icons open at the top. As if magic fingers turned everything on. Maybe it gets lonely and wants to entertain itself.

Oh, and it randomly turns the ringer completely off. Especially after I have charged it. Nice feature.

Yes kids: 2 more years on the contract….

Other than that, it’s great. I Love it.

Still Hanging In

I have written before on the art of "hanging in". It's one of those things that tends to separate the successful from the not-so-successful. I recently saw this pie chart of Facebook. Clearly, my music degree(s) were a complete waste of money, if this chart has any validity.

Yes, a music degree can help you to teach (done that, and still do), perform (did that too- though, to be honest, I am not crazy about doing too much of it... though I do), compose (yes...in the last 4 months I have composed about 5 hours of music. Not for free, either). And if all goes as planned I should be able to avoid the die in poverty thing. (A certain financial institution almost made that happen, but I managed to dodge that bullet thankyouverymuch. I hope their penises fall off spontaneously.)

So here I am still at it. And that, dahlings, is the key to whatever success I enjoy. I am a stubborn bastard.

I am approaching my "Freedom 55" birthday. That term, for you non-Canucks, comes from an advertisement a number of years ago promising Financial Freedom to do whatever you wanted to do without that pesky requirement of actually working for a living. You know...you invest so wisely (with London Life- who knew insurance was that sexy!) that you are playing shuffleboard in some resort, your Depends never leaking and your Polydent sticking fast to your gums. Indeed, you can now live the next 35 years doing absolutely nothing of value and live your days in a constant state of vacation!

I'd rather shoot myself.

You see, when I win the lottery (I am expecting to do so in the next week or 2...you heard it here first) I am not going going to quit anything. I am going to do exactly what I am currently doing. Though I might have a couple of pieces of new gear. Freedom 55 was likely a myth in 1989, and it still is today. And I already had the pleasure of telling the aforementioned financial institution to shove their bank up their ass- one branch at a time. I was, however,  much more genteel about it. I have too much fucking class to do otherwise. It was better than retiring. Or almost.

And as I have told a number of my friends and colleagues of the musical persuasion: why would you want to retire? And retire from what? Might be different if you were a dentist. Or a Claims Adjustor. Or a proctologist. How many of them might be inspired to become musicians once they change careers? Indeed, one should do what one has always wanted to do before you are too dead to do it.

I was contemplating this great wisdom last week when I got a call from my old friend Dutch Robinson. He has written and recorded a new song in tribute to the late Pete Seeger entitled, "I'm Glad I Knew You". Dutch and I go way back- 33 years to be precise- when I recorded him for the first time.

Those were interesting days. (Geek alert coming....) Dutch and I were among the first people to record using  Linn Drums. We set them up in the control room and everyone eyed this mysterious box suspiciously. You could record a song without a drummer and still have kinda "real-sounding" drums. As an added bonus, this machine would not try and sleep with your girlfriend, would not get shit-faced before a gig and would only play fills you had programmed.

Anyway, my fave Dutch Robinson story is about a session we were doing quite late at night. There were a lot of people in the control room- none of whom I knew. Some were a little, uh, scary-looking. I, with my head down ignoring the more bizarre goings-on was recording a sax part when I  accidentally erased part of his lead vocal.

Yes, kids, there was no CONTROL-Z in those days. It was gone. For good. I thought I was a dead man...how was I going to tell Dutch, to stand up to this seasoned, experienced industry professional (who is about a foot taller than me...) and inform him of what I have done.

So I did. "Um...Dutch...man I am really sorry...but...aww...I mean....I...uh...erased part of your vocal...I am, like...soooo fucking sorry..."

He shrugged and smiled. "Don't worry about it. I'll juss' go do it again."

And he did. Perfectly. One take. As usual.

So, yes, I have been a huge fan of this man ever since. A real class-act.

So, last week he asked me to mix "I'm Glad I Knew You" for him. It will be an honour and a thrill to work together again after all this time.

He is 68 years old. Still writing, recording and performing. He's singing and mentoring young artists- even in the Hip-Hop world. Yes, young people making music hanging on to his every word and benefiting from his incredible experience. He will be on tour with DRUM this summer before heading to tour the UK and Europe in the fall to support his new album.

So much for Freedom 55. So much for retiring, so much for quitting. I told him yesterday how much I admire that- his work and creative schedule is something we should all be doing. That's what "hanging-in" is all about.

Indeed, he will do what he loves until he can't anymore. He has always and will continue to "hang in". And so will I. There really isn't another option.